In the future I will no longer do pills.

*see if you can work out what author I just finnished reading by the end of this*

I’m going to attempt to write my thoughts and my conversations of yesterday.

Not all of my thoughts will be written though, people need their secrets.

-I can’t get hold of her, maybe she doesn’t want to go anymore, don’t be stupid we paid a hundred bucks for these tickets ring her boyfriend and get a number for where she’s at-

I rang nick, but his phone was switched off, and had a little bit of a panic so I thought I should go potter around the house a bit. I rang him again after eating a handful of pills that are attempting to keep me healthy as I effectively starve myself day to day in order to become one of the thin happy people, though don’t worry it has come to my attention in the last couple of days that all this is doing is making me generally more nervous and a lot more simple, I haven’t stopped it yet though, because I’m not sure if I’m just trying to make excuses to be fat or whether this diet is actually affecting me mentally. Any way Nick’s phone was on and he picked up.

“Hey Nick its Sarah, could I get a number for Atalya her phone isn’t working” “Yeah she’s with Jack, do you mind if I ring you in a second with the number?”

-Her phones probably dead that’s cool it’s already 10 though, doesn’t it start at 10? Oh I don’t know, Gah stop thinking about it, the day is young it will be ok. Look nick is ringing back it will all be sorted.-

“Hey Sarah, the number is *********, could you ask her to give me a call when you get in touch with her?” “Sure man, thanks for that, see ya later”

-no answer, how many times can I ring in a row? Why am I so impatient? Message bank again, shit-

At this stage I looked around my room and pondered cleaning it, Instead of cleaning it I decided to look for my blue singlet that has coloured dots on it, I couldn’t find it though, maybe I should be cleaning my room rather then writing this. Anyway after searching my room around 10 times I gave up and tried to ring Jack again, he picked up.

-Hey Jack, this is Sarah is Atalya there?” “Sure I’ll just grab her for you” “Hey, I went swimming with my phone, I was gonna call you in a second” “that’s cool, whats happening?” “Um I have to go home shower and get dressed, do you want to just meet me at home?” “Yeah I have to shower too” “Ok, cool, just get there as soon as possible”

I showered and got dressed. Then realized I hadn’t eaten yet, I was doing pills at park life so I needed to eat something, I quickly looked in the cupboard and couldn’t find anything I particularly wanted to eat, so I settled on eating a space food stick, whose high sugar and low nutritional value would most certainly give me the required energies needed for the day. After consuming the almost chocolate flavored texture dump I thought that maybe I should have a protein shake as well, and then I would have a few nutrients running around the blood circuit for the day.

On the way to Atalya I listened to Ben Lee’s new album “ripe’, and fully connected with everything he said, even though I have never been in love or had sex, I concluded that maybe I was an idealist, and that maybe the world had no room for idealists.

Atalya was almost ready when I got to her house, her boyfriend volunteered to drive us due to the fact he probably didn’t want us driving home high, on the way there I dropped into a servo to get some sunglasses, which turned out to be rather un necessary because I bought them to shield my eyes from the light while I was pilling, turned out I rather liked the brightness, but at the moment that’s irrelevant.

On the way there it was brought to my attention that we couldn’t take water bottles into the venue, which is stupid, so I tipped the water out of my bottle on to the road and decided if they didn’t let me take a empty bottle in there to fill I wouldn’t be going in. On after thought I thought I should have just drunk the water, tipping the water on the road is just a small taste of how rash I can be.

We got to park life and nick dropped us off at the main gates, there were a lot of people holding signs asking to buy tickets.

-Maybe I should just sell the ticket I don’t really want to go anymore-

For some reason my mind was slipping into depression rather fast, Atalya could sense it and kept telling me to calm down and that everything would be all right, but we were standing in a huge crowd of florescent people in broad daylight, this wasn’t really a comfortable outing for me. I was also going to be doing drugs around these people, people I severely didn’t trust, even though I didn’t know them and perhaps they were all nice, I’ve been wrong many times and wouldn’t presume I was right about the untrustworthiness of this florescent crowd but a feeling isn’t always logical.

Anyway we got in and I must admit I felt a little excited, there was music everywhere and people looked awesome, and there was lot of people who had taken to many pills at once flouncing around with their jaws jutting forward and the extreme washes of utopia swelling over their bodies. It was amusing to watch, especially one guy in a pink shirt, I was a little scared he was going to break his ankles with the way he flounced around but he seemed to be enjoying him self so much that I doubt that would have even stopped him.

Atalya and I went and scoped out the entire park, mainly so I could know where all the ambos and toilets were, my brain needs safety and in some strange way knowing these things sets me to ease.

We found some cigarettes, well not so much found, we bought some cigarettes from a small cigarette kiosk we found outside a DSA, which stands for designated smoking area, when I worked at Warner, we called it the dosa. There was a man in the kiosk that was rather perturbed by my cardigan and begged me to remove it.

I find it strange how people are so affected by the clothes I wear, day to day I am harassed to remove clothing, not in a sexy way, but in a they can’t handle the fact that my modesty is such that covering up entirely is what I do.

I made the mistake of picking up the phone when my best friend James rang, or perhaps I made the mistake of telling him where I was and what I was doing, after getting off the phone to him I started getting messaged like –don’t be a loser Sarah-if you die on drugs I’m not going to your funeral-and-I’m not going to watch you become the person you were when you first got back from Sydney, and so on.

We hadn’t taken any drugs yet though we were just floating round the place enjoying the music because it was enjoyable not because we were off chops.

2 or 3 hours into the festival our drugs arrived, I was going to take a half, but after getting my arm twisted quite severely I decided I may as well take the full, mainly because I’m a destructive idiot, I know full well that I never handle taking a full one, but I always do anyway, people say to live is to learn, but that is so untrue!! I nearly always bring that up though,

In year 2 I remember trying to spell –A-R-E, I knew there was 3 letters, so I spelt it RRR, and then when I saw the actual spelling I remembered I had already known how to spell the word so I turned to my friend Rebecca and said, “as you get older you must forget things”, because as far as I was concerned I knew everything. She looked at me a little confused and said “no as you get older you learn more” Bah, what did she know anyway.

Any way within 20 min the pill hit me, which is super fast, as always I experienced the nervous onset, I worry about losing control, about embarrassing myself, I worry as if I am the leader of the world and any weakness I portray will destroy the fragile make up of this planet, this is the stage where I disappear for a while into a toilet to gather my thoughts, my friends call it the Sarah is acting a little strange stage,

I went off and I sat in the port-a-loo until the rushing started, I don’t know how long I was in there but I had sweated up a storm and came to the resolution that if everyone in this park had the same contempt for me as I had for them then I didn’t really have to worry about their thoughts, when I walked out of it into the open air a breeze hit my sweat drenched body and it felt like an awesome wave of goodness.

I got the head wobbles straight away and went and hugged my friend, who pointed out a hot guy with dreads who reminded me too much of a guy who recently rejected me, which has messed with my head for the past couple of months, then a girl was punched and the good feelings ended. I think it was the combination of remembering how unworthy of this guy I was and seeing a random act of violence that killed it.

This is where I would write all the reasons I started to fixate on why the guy that I had liked didn’t like me, but I’m not going to write them down because they are rather harsh and fucked and I don’t actually think he would have thought such things.

I went a way from my friend to fill my water bottle then came back, my brain was still dwelling and the crowd was making my chest hurt, so I said “sorry I have to go”, she kept me there long enough to contact her boyfriend to pick me up though, which on hindsight was awesome, and a bit of a struggle because I really wanted to leave. I started making a move for an exit, the crowds where closing in, they where laughing, perhaps at me, perhaps because they were happy, both ideas were existing in my head at the same time.

I saw the sign EMERGENCY EXIT, the guard tried to stop me but he had no chance I was out of there, I was free.

-Shit there is no pass outs-

I was free but I was feeling better, so I kind of wanted back in, but if I got in I would want back out, so I had to deal with the fact I was out and not getting back in. I was walking through some gardens without realizing until a lady in an orange vest asked me to move to the foot path, I was perhaps too apologetic, she didn’t really seem to care.

I rang James to apologize and explain that he was right and that I was an idiot, and that I had run from the park, and was now walking in circles around the park, I like walking though so it wasn’t that bad, but every now and then I would come across a group of people laughing and the two separate thoughts of “they are laughing at me” and “they are laughing because they are happy” would come back into my head, and the weighing up which was the correct thought always took to much effort and made me nervous because being right or wrong was all my choice, because it was all in my own head, I had the choice to be happy or paranoid, and instead of choosing I was hanging in limbo letting them both exist..

Then I thought it would be cool to ring Zoran because I like nothing better then unleashing the crazy on him.

Then I was passing the same place we were dropped off and a very concerned Nick was running for me he then steered me towards his car, I was pretty frightened about getting in his car, I was scared I would need to pee, and that my body would decide that because it was sitting, that it was on a toilet and that I would pee in his car, I didn’t discuss this thought with him though, because the counter thought was there telling me that I didn’t need to go to the toilet and even if I did there was muscles I had to choose to release in order to do so, so I sat in his car, half at ease half freaked out to the maximum capacity a person who had two hemispheres to their brain can be.

I don’t really remember the conversation on the way home because my brain was fighting over whether or not I was going to pee, then half way though the trip it decided to fight over whether or not I had pee’d. Luckily on leaving his car there was no wetness left upon the seat so now my positive brain was 1 and my negative brain was 0.

Regardless of what either side said though I went and sat on the toilet, I thought maybe reminding myself what it was to pee would help the situation, I don’t know if it really helped that much because as I did it, I realized I knew what it was to pee all along.

Nick left the house for a while and I went and sat on the front veranda, it was getting dark and their cat kept hitting me with its head in an affectionate way which was nice, I figured it knew my brain was struggling with itself at the moment and it did its best to tell me that I was ok and all would be good.

I saw James drive past and remembered I had asked him to come pick me up from nicks, so that was a cool surpriseless surprise, though the sour cats bum look on his face was not very good for me, he took me for a drive, and out of no where I started thinking about how ugly my vagina was and how I would like to get plastic surgery on it, James asked me what I was thinking about at precisely this point and I shared, the next hour and a half with him was spent mainly dwelling on how ugly it was, but also on the fact that no genitals where all that pretty anyway, and why should mine be an exception, I decided it was my duty as an artist to be as esthetically pleasing as possible, and so far in my life I was failing dismally,

I also started to ponder whether or not maybe I enjoyed misery? Because pills are supposed to make you happy but whenever I have one I dwell on the most awful things. Maybe I actually liked doing that, maybe running around being happy and hugging people was something I didn’t like to do. I tried to assess myself emotionally, and I seemed pretty relaxed, my negative brain was just winning at the moment, it wasn’t actually making me sad though.

I asked James to drop me back at Nicks; I liked the couch there so I figured the positive brain would start winning again if I went there. When I got there though a third brain appear, the brain was the manipulator, it manipulated me into thinking I had come down, which in turn made my mouth convince the boys that I had come down so nick gave me my keys and I got in my car to go home. I said goodbye to James who told me he needs to have words with me later, and then I started my car.

Nick ran up asking if I would drop him in the city, I said sure, he invited me to go to a thing with him but I started to realise that I wasn’t actually down yet and I didn’t want to hang out with anyone, so I said no and dropped him off and started driving home.

The traffic was so slow it was bugging me out, I put my car into 3rd gear, it screamed, and screamed, until I realized the traffic wasn’t slow I was just being impatient, I don’t have a Speedo so I had no idea what speed I was doing the whole way home felt like I was doing around 40 kms, it was hard to concentrate on the road, but I knew for the safety of my life and all the other peoples lives on the road that I had to forget about all the interesting scenery on either side of my car.

I got to the roundabout that takes me to my house, and realized I wasn’t ready to go home so I went to and awesome out door spot up a mountain that was completely dark, I turned my car off and stumbled around in the dark getting further and further away from my car, then I actually needed to pee, which was ok because I was in the dark and in the bush, and I had even taken the liberty of grabbing a handful of toilet paper from a port-a-loo just incase they were all out of toilet paper later on. I don’t think peeing has ever hit me so spiritually before, I squatted there peeing while looking up at an almost full orangey moon which out of the corner of my eye I could see reflected on a lake, I appreciated every second of it.

After I finished my spiritual toilet trip I decided it was probably best to get back to the car, because I wasn’t all that steady on my feet, maybe that wasn’t exactly a logical thought looking aback on it, but it worked, I then drove back to the round about and went around it a few times trying to decide what to do next.

So I messaged Zoran, then I rang him, I don’t really remember the conversation with him though.

I got off that round about and started heading up the mountain again, but while I was driving my brain decided I was on another road, so I was driving to a destination I wasn’t actually driving to, which became increasingly stressful and puzzling. But with a series of left turns I found a sign that pointed me back to home.

I was ready for home now.

I got home and everyone asked me about park life, I told them how great it was then went to the bathroom to wash my face and put on moisturizer.

I then spent two hours telling my family all the fears I had about my future, and how much I hated being an artist, and how much I needed to be an artist, and questioned whether or not I would ever find myself worthy of a partner, my family took all of this fairly well and no real questions were asked, well there was questions asked but about the topic, not about why I was talking like this.

I then settled in bed and read the rest of “breakfast of champions” which I think has affected this blog rather dramatically.