Rotten Bastards

It's a blog. It's a way of life. It's many things in between.

Thursday, 29 November 2007

The Unexplainable

Jeff: Hey man, have you ever thought about shit in life that will never be explained?

Jake: Do you mean like the pyramids and aliens, that shit?

Jeff: Nah, I'm thinking about something involving Jess.

Jake: Fuck, not again. You know she's a dyke right? You've seen Chasing Amy and listened to that Weezer song. There's no way you can make her straight dude. It's mission impossible.

Jeff: Ya i know that... I just mean last night I was at her house and we ended up sleeping together?

Jake: WHAT?! You were able to fuck her?!

Jeff: Nah, I didn't even try.

Jake: Then what the fuck is the problem?

Jeff: Well I know she's a lesbian and I have no chance so I don't even try.

Jake: Go on...

Jeff: Even knowing all this I woke up beside her with a bad case of morning wood...

Jake: That will never be explained dude, never will it be explained.

Wednesday, 28 November 2007

Life in a box

"All of human civilisation, is based upon the pursuit and veneration of the vagina."

"All of it?"

"Yes, all of it."

"How so?"

"Well think about humanity for a second. About the civilisation that we've built here for ourselves.

Miracles of science and technology. Always pushing the limits of human knowledge and endurance.

Most of the people who made those advances were men. Men with penises.

As you may be aware, most men with penises have an overwhelming natural desire to insert their penises into the vaginas of women, in order to produce offspring."

"And this leads to civilisation how?"

"Well in order for the offspring to be produced the male has to find a female willing and able to accept his penis. This leads us to the notion of male reproductive competition. Men with penises are required to compete in order to differentiate themselves from the rest of the men with penises. Thereby earning the attention of females with the vaginas.

So some will became strong mammoth killing warriors. Others will be stargazing astronomers.

Whatever they can do to individualise themselves and make themselves special enough to be noticed by a woman with a vagina."

"So that's all there is to it?"

"Basically, but there is more."

"Do tell."

"Well, generally speaking, over the history of the human species more females have been breeding compared to males. Virtually every female with a vagina is guaranteed a partner if she wishes. You yourself have more female ancestors than male."

"Wait. How is that possible?"

"I don't know I read it somewhere, you figure it out. But that's not the point.

The point is that at any given time, in any given human settlement you will almost always have a population of males with penises (of child bearing age) who have no vaginas to insert their penises into.

No breeding plus no partner plus no offspring plus no responsibilities equals lots of spare time.

What do these men do with all this spare time?

They create civilisation.

They invent the wheel. They discover new lands. They split the atom."

"You're totally generalising now."

"Yes. Yes I am. But I'm talking about every human being that has ever existed. Over the long span of time, this is how it went down. Has gone done. For millenia."

"Civilisation, based on the vagina."

"In a manner of speaking, yes."

"No wonder the modern world is such a cunt."

Sunday, 18 November 2007

five minutes (late)

my very tardy and reckless submission for last month's topic can be seen here.

no point in filling up the RB page with the whole affair. i do however think it has enough dialog in it that i can take the month off without feeling guilty.

Tuesday, 6 November 2007

Romeo never had it this good



"How's it going?"

"Not too foul. How's you?"

"Pretty fucked actually. I feel just about ready to start cutting myself."

"Why? What happened?"

"Well my last trick beat the shit outta me and then rammed it up my arsehole."

"Fuck. I hate it when that happens."

"He bruised my cock too, the motherfucker."