Rotten Bastards

It's a blog. It's a way of life. It's many things in between.


Friday, 15 June 2007

This was a dream.

“What’s going on?”
“Look we need you to calm down and leave, everything will be ok”
Norm left the operating room, two male nurses dragging him, he only got one last glance at his wife and crowning daughter before being sat in the purple and green waiting room. Less then an hour had past when Dr. Seagle approached him with apologetic eyes. Norm jumped up, he had pins and needles in his left leg it only hit him now how heavily he had been leaning on it.
“I need you to sit down again Mr.Stenthol”
“I’ll sit after I get to see my wife and daughter”
“Please sit Mr. Stenthol, this isn’t going to be easy for either of us” Norm sat down, his gut instantly knew what his brain was desperately trying to keep out.” there were complications with your baby, the cord wrapped around her neck, and while we were trying to fix that your wife went into cardiac arrest, we did all we could, but in the end neither of them pulled though, I’m so sorry, You can go see your wife now if you want. We have a councilor on hand if you need someone to talk to”
All Norm could muster was to wave the doctor away, he waited a few minutes then slowly left the hospital, he should have gone and seen his wife and daughter, but what was the point? He hadn’t met his daughter before, and seeing his wife dead wasn’t going to stop the burning sensation surging through his body. He contemplated walking straight into the peak hour traffic, but he had enough traumas for one day, if it failed to kill him it would be all too much to handle. He walked over to the new station wagon he and his wife had purchased two weeks before, he kicked it till his toes bleed. This car represented the excitement of starting a family, now in just over an hour he was completely alone and supporting the loan of a stupid symbol of family mobility! He got in to the car checked the back window for any obstructions catching the baby seat in the corner of his eye.
“Fuck this; I’m going to a bottle’O”
Norm purchased two bottles of vodka, 4 liters of lemonade and a bottle of raspberry cordial. He wanted to get smashed out of his head and couldn’t help but think doing it with the tastiest mix ever would make it feel a little less stupid as a self medicating grief suppressor.
Sitting in the now trashed nursery Norm was half way through his 2nd bottle of vodka and trying to cut his wrists with a baby monitor.
“Fuck yous you schtoopid FARKING god!, Hows bouth yous try ant be FARKIN HUMAN! Fucking takes my fucking family! Not only do I’ve FARKING noth Bewieab in you I’m FARKING HATE YOU!! Fucking take me you gutless bastard! No even worse be ME! I fucking DARE you!! Yous couldn’th handles eeeeet! Your nofing but a gutless murderous basturd !!!!FARK YOU!!!” Norm shouted fists raised to the mobile over the now shattered cot. “FARK YOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Norm lay over the broken cot past out, supporting a rather large bruise on his wrist from bashing the baby monitor at it for the past 3 hours.
It was then the great almighty took Norms challenge spiriting Norms soul to heaven and securing himself in to the 32 year olds slightly balding but fairly fit body. He would lie and say he was doing it to teach Norm a lesson but in reality he was bored and felt it would be cool to hang out on earth for a while.

“Fuck! No wonder humans are so depressed all the time, this feels like hell!, I can hardly see through this headache, my tongue is trying to choke me and my wrist really hurts!” God who was now in Norm’s body struggled to his feet, the whole standing concept took a while to really sink in after falling over several times he managed to take his first steps in his new body. Now for all Gods omnipresent qualities the one thing he hadn’t counted on when he went ahead with this idea was the fact he was now only human, he had the knowledge since time began…but that was it. Fear-Once a foreign concept, now pulsing at his temple, the only way he was getting back was to kill this body, but he couldn’t kill himself or Lucifer would get him. Mental silence fell over him, had he finally fallen for Lucifer’s plan of universal domination!
“Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, though its not all bad, hells not as bad as the church makes out, but I so like sleeping on clouds…maybe I could bargain with him? Ok, wait, how about I stop worrying about this and go have some fun…Or a shower and brush my teeth…Fuck humans stink!”
It took god three hours to shower, brush his teeth and get dressed, the delightful feeling of water hitting his body gave god his first orgasm which left him blushing in pleasure he now wished the stupid church hadn’t banned masturbation, he even started wondering why humans left the house at all. The strong minty flavour and the chisha chisha chisha of the brush over his teeth left his gums raw and bleeding as he brushed them through 7 B105 hit songs. He stepped out of the bathroom wearing a towel that had a small amount of Velcro to keep it firmly attached around the waist.
Marco, Norms best friend was beating the door, he had been there for around 10 minutes and was getting scared his mate may have done something really stupid. God opened the door and greeted Marco.
“Hey Marco, Look its god here, Norm dared me to swap with him and I did it, you don’t have to worry about him I’m fairly sure that he is up in heaven getting to know his daughter and hanging out with his wife, not that I would really know since I didn’t realise doing this would take away my omnipresent-ness, which really I should have, but I guess even god is fallible, look how destructive I made your lot.”
Marco didn’t know whether to take his mate to the hospital or see where else this psychotic episode was going to lead. He opted for the later brandishing beers and pushing his way through the door before heading for the couch.
“Look mate, you’ve just had a rough 24 hours I don’t know where this god bullshit is coming from, I didn’t even know You believed in him, how about we have some beers relax and we’ll try and sort things out, Number one thing though, why did you leave the hospital with out calling anyone, the Doctor had to ring Stephs mum, who rang your mum, who rang me, What did you do last night?”
“I really am god, Norm didn’t know what else to do he was in shock he left and started drinking in order to numb the pain, don’t really blame him being human is pretty painful, my head and wrist still hurt!”
“Ok I’ll call you god, whatever, could you at least put some pants on I can see your testicles!”
God blushed instantly feeling a little shameful for his decision to wear a towel as clothing, at the time it felt like the right idea, it was cool and comfortable, he now realised there was more to clothing then comfort. He headed back out to the couch after slipping into some dark green track pants and a bright pink blouse with some beautiful flower designs embroidered over the chest.
“Bah hahahahahahahahahahahha, what are you doing wearing stephs shirt! Ahahahaahahahah”
“What this? I thought it looked nice”
“Ok, “God”, would you like a beer?”
“Yes thanks”
“Ha, got you, God doesn’t drink!”
“How would you know?”
“It says so in the bible”
“Oh for fucks sake, don’t blame me for that pile of dribble, I gave you free will remember don’t blame me for people being stupid enough to believe that shit.”
“What?”
“its all the prophets faults, I use to try and have philosophical discussions with them, they always took it to far though, trying to rule though my hypothetical laws, it was meant to be light banter not castrating systems!, That’s why I haven’t tried to contact you idiots for so long you take every little thing I say and start torturing each other with it, it really is frightful!”