Rotten Bastards

It's a blog. It's a way of life. It's many things in between.

Wednesday, 6 May 2009


I am the mo-ron who chose 'the bad times' as a theme. It's going nowhere at light speed (one word or two?), so I came up with a gimmick...

The Rotten Bastards Bad Advice Blog!

It goes like this:

I post a question; some sort of issue that's giving me all kinds of grief. The first of you weird fuckers to copy/paste the question into your own post, followed by your advice, in turn gets to ask a question. It goes on like that 'til we get bored of it, or until June.

(Obviously, you can still just write a piece to the main theme for this month, which is 'the bad times.' Doye.)

What say you?

Yeah? Good.

I'll start.


I have this friend, we'll call him WombyBoneClues (inside joke), and he's this brilliant, filthy bi-polar artist from Manchester who I'm totally in love with. Everything he creates is amazing, and it's even better because he thinks it's shit and chucks it in the bin, allowing me to dust it off sign it in the bottom-right-hand corner, and sell it!

Now obviously, I want to live with him and basically make exploiting him a full-time job, but I sort of have a wife and a kid. Oh, and another kid coming in August.

Also, I'm not gay, but the money could be worth it to let him take out his aggression on my sweet, virgin bum bum.

What, oh what, should I do?

Thanks in advance,


Tomby Stone said...

Thanks for the ego massage my man. Hell, I'm not even sure you could call that a massage since you pretty much skipped to the happy ending.

I won't touch the question since I have a personal bias and wouldn't be able to resist the temptation to solve your problem by suggesting you give this friend all of your money and women and drugs and whatever else you have lying around looking expensive but thanks.

Anonymous said...

how on earth do you have a personal bias?

oh wait, do you know tyler durden?

Jessica said...

Dear EmptyAssInAmerica,

It is pretty clear that you are, in fact, gay.

You could continue to live a lie with the wife and kids only to let the truth finally explode to the surface, sometime in their teen years when they will most hate you for it, or you could save your wife the embarrassment of years of awkward dinner party conversations and the pain of a sexless marriage, and leave her now while she is still young enough to attract someone new.

As for your crush on this English fellow, I can't really recommend that you pursue this as a relationship. Why tie yourself down now? After all, you've just come out of the closet girlfriend, you deserve a few years at least of anonymous bath house sex, club boys and glory holes!! Better is to just crash on his couch as a "friend" who gives random bjs. This way you could a) check his trash on a daily basis for works of genius you could pass off as your own after he dies, and b) avoid having a job and associated paycheck, from which child support would be deducted.

Hope I have helped!

Dear Rotten Bastards,

While chewing food recently, I lost a filling. Meanwhile, my mechanic has just informed me that there is a leak in my car's fuel delivery system. I was thinking of using plumber's putty to solve both problems, but it turns out that I only have enough putty to address one. What should I do?

Putty In My Mouth

Tomby Stone said...

Joe is not gay, they haven't even invented a word for what Joe is. When they do it will almost certainly be a word you can't say on television.

Tomby Stone said...

Fixing the car gives you a higher possibility of crashing, breaking your face against the steering wheel and losing both the car and the teeth in one fell swoop. I can't envision a situation in which working teeth would completely cripple your vehicular transportation therefore I'd suggest you fix the mouth first.

I recently lost a tooth to it's own general rotten nature and believe me it's not good. You can always buy a new car. Of course these days you can buy new teeth but they always tend to look like they've been pulled from the mouth of a 7ft tall second hand car dealer and stuck into your rotten gums by some guy who used to install picket fences in 50's suburbia.

My question ...

I have lost my ability to fantasise. I have always liked Einstein's suggestion that 'imagination is your preview of life's coming attractions.' and I used to lie around for hours previewing all the attractions coming my way.

Having lost faith that anything half decent will ever happen to me ever (which I understand is all my fault) I am unable to imagine a fun and exciting future. I feel silly and childish and even more of a loser than usual whenever I envision any kind of positive future.

Is this a good thing ?? Is there a point we should discard dreams and focus on reality or is this a very bad thing ??? Should I allow myself to dream stupid dreams again ??

Also ... Amy Winehouse, would you ??