IT'S A TRAP!!!

No, not really. I'm going to just re-use one of my first bits on the subject as best as I can remember it.

"So, I don't know if I'm queer or not... It's worrying because, I'm terrified of dicks. Not this one(points at Sgt. Terror) we got a good thing going. But I had a moment recently watching the movie Smokin' Aces. HEY, any man who can't admit Ryan Reynolds is a pretty man is gay by default!! Anyway, there's this big ending where my little Ry-Ry has this hero moment... Quoth George Kostanza, 'It moved'. Not that I sprung a bedpost sized erection, it was more like when you're in a department store and see a cute saleswoman undressing a mannequin and you just get that little... twinge. Eh whatever."

i'm not gay but...

first off, i'm a hetero guy and lesbian porn doesn't do much for me. yet if it's a girl going down on another girl while a guy is railing her (also known as a 3-way) i like it. maybe it's because i know how shitty my oral technique is and i am sexist towards lesbians are way better at it than me? or maybe it's because it is more likely for me to have sex with a girl than to be a first hand witness to some hot lesbo action.

I'm not gay but...

I have had sex with a girl. And I'd do it again.

Firm Footing

I'm not gay but...
I'm knot gay but...
I'm not gay butt...
I'm not ghey but...
Eye'm knot ghey butte.

I'm not gay but I know how it feels to love and lust and want.
I'm not gay but I understand wanting to spend your life with someone.
I'm not gay but I want to be happy.

I am not a homosexual, however...

... I am a human being.

Which gives me something in common with all of you.

Gay included.

Mr Smith and Miss Veronica discuss Money

"I have a tree which grows great abundances of cash, all in different currencies of course" Miss Veronica said to Mr Smith. It should be known that being a Miss Veronica she was obviously a scarlet woman in fishnets and red lipstick.
"Why should I believe you Miss Veronica? you are after all a scarlet woman in fishnets and red lipstick" said Mr Smith, who being a Mr Smith tended towards tweed suites and thick glasses.
"You know Mr Smith I know you're only insulting me to belittle my confidence so I'll sleep with you but you really need to take me more seriously" Miss Veronica replied placing her sassy hands on her sassy hips.
"How could I possibly take you seriously? you are a woman, even in the most outrageous narratives the male protagonist would find the money tree NOT the woman" he snarled back with a triumphant flick of his sandy brown hair.
Miss Veronica, if this had been a full fledged romantic chicklit novel would have through trial and error eventually won over Mr Smith.
He would see the money tree and begin to take her seriously.
But this wasn't a full fledged novel so instead she walked away.
And spent her money tree earnings on a pair of baby pink heels that cost at least three grand.

another self important post.

as the great philosopher ma$e said, "mo money, mo problems". now i don't know about you but i find it hard to feel sorry for a celebrity when they say these things yet the cost of the music video for the song is more than some third world countries GDPs.

jonathan davis was a whiny cunt for "got the life" when he's complaining about fame. boo fucking hoo, go find jesus like your former guitarist and write a crappy book about it. and while your at it, quit fucking a porn star and go back to the regular bar whores.

that's not to say money solves all problems. i am making more money now than i ever had and it's not like i'm getting laid left, right and center. then again i am not making hollywood money.

money is just paper. it's paper that we attach a meaning too. if our economy turned to shit and the dollar was worth as much as the zimbabwe currency (sorry i am too lazy to research what the fuck it's called), would we value toilet paper more than money? and if so, would we wipe our asses on dead presidents (or prime ministers for us commonwealth folk).

to bring this rant to a end i think i should state the obvious. you should fuck me even when i'm poor.

Good for something

Hey there brother, can you spare a dime? Or a penny? Or a cent? Or a Euro? Or some yen? Maybe some shellfish and shiny rocks?

No?

Oh well, thanks for your time.

Any medium of exchange will do.

Something that will allow me to obtain goods and services.
Something that will make me feel safer.
Something that I'll obsess about.

And think about constantly.

Plan, scheme, connive.

It's about comfort. It's about power. It's about sex.

Once again, your desperate need to procreate has made you a slave. Kneeling before Mammon.

But this no false god of mythology. This shit is real.

When you have it, it's your best friend. When you don't, you say you're better off without it.

But all it is, is a medium of exchange.

You exchange your labour for it. As does your neighbour there. As does farmer Jim.

How else do you propose we make this shit work?

This isn't Star Trek motherfucker.

There are no golden ages. From now on all our ages will be green.

Opening my wallet, I pull out a brand new bank note. Fifty dollars.

I feel it between my fingers. Smooth. Plastic.

I roll it slowly in my fingers, making a tube.

I put one end in my nose and leave the other end hovering above the plate.

Inhale.

Ahh... that's better.


Money. Not totally useless.