A DREAM OF A THOUSAND FISH EH?
For some its cracking a beer at the end of a working week and watching the sun go down knowing that they have provided and cared for their nearest and dearest. For others its jumping out of an airplane and careening towards oblivion. And yet others feel it when they simply wipe the arse of their ailing grandmother, supposedly understanding the ironic nature of oroboros. For me, the feeling of fulfilling my souls purpose is escaping the fixed confines of a corner of my perception and ravaging the purity of formlessness with my own delusions. This I do after 3 and a half pills and enough psilocybin to freak the fuck out of Dr Zeus.
There was this one time when my motor skills had failed me and I was experiencing an extreme case of glossolalia that I stumbled upon an ocean. I had been wishing my friends from all over the world a happy new year. Escaping the confines of time and space I was able to be there and embrace them with as much love and happiness on New Years Eve as I could mustre. There really is nothing like exploring ones transcendental nature. Of course, I could not have let my friends know it was me hugging them so I wore a mask of hazelwood, peacock feathers and glitter so that at the stroke of midnight they would only know that as the strong embrace of a stranger made them reminiscent of me.
Turning away from an ex-girlfriend in Norway I fell into a warm and finely illuminated sea. Luckily I seemed to have fallen onto a naturally formed sandbank as the water only came up to my knees. It was trully amazing. Standing up and viewing a 360 degree veiw of an ocean, I was drowned in a feeling of gratitude. The sight before me was quite a gift. It was calm and the moon engulfed the northern part of the sky, its wavering twin looking back at it from beneath the waves. The stars seemed to be moving faster than usual, yet the moon itself held sway over this place. A flicker of irridescnece drew my attention to the water directly surrounding me. Beneath the waves swam a school of fish. The way they moved were so synchronised I marvelled at the way their collective mind allowed them to move with such cohesion.
Fantastical as it may seem, I then noticed that the glowing aquatic residents of the sea were circling me. Again I felt my heart hum with love and gratitude. What a gift to behold! Even the fish of the sea are expressing their unconditional love of me in their own way. This is surely going to be the best year ever!!! I simply stood there vibrating away in ecstatic dreaminess.
It was as I marveled at the beauty and grace of this experience that the warmth of the water, so grasciously bestowed on me, withdrew. It was not until I could feel the cold biting into my shins and the painful tightness of my calves that I regained some composure and cleared my vision. The fish had stopped circling. The fish had lost their lustre. The stars had disappeard and the moon had grown hungry and swallowed up half the sky. For a second my bliss indulgent heart imagined the stars in the water´s surface. But there is nothing more reason defying, and therefore horrendous to the human ego, than a thousand fish raised up out of the water. Their black eyes and scales lending the illusion of cold false stars.
Before I was swimming in their love. Now I was drowning in their unimaginabely cold stare. I could feel the contempt and hate gouging its way into the very pores of my skin that constricted in vain to keep me warm. Words like revulsion and cold bile crept into my mind.
'Our sacrificial pig is come. Our sacrifical pig is come. Our sacrificial pig is come. Our sacrifical pig is come. Our sacrifical pig is come. Our sacrificial pig is come.'
A marauding horror began to find its foothold in me. This deep violation would not be held back by the light and warmth of my heart. It began gaining momentum.
'We thousand dream. One will come. We thousand dream. One will come. We thousand dream. One will come. We thousand dream. One will come. We thousand dream. One will come.'
Their mantra hummed and throbbed, squirmed and writhed. The air around me seemed to stir and pulse with the same tenacious energy. The words themselves having an aliveness that poked and prodded the atmosphere of two worlds. For even as this sensation nailed part of my fixation in this watery horror, another part was being visciously abused by the cold blackness that was devouring me from the inside.
'Decieve, peirce, rip and gut. Be devieved, peirced, ripped and gut. Decieve, peirce, rip and gut. Be devieved, peirced, ripped and gut. Decieve, peirce, rip and gut. Be devieved, peirced, ripped and gut.'
I could not hope to contend with the torrid despair that had all but nearly consumed me.With my last spark of hope I turned and went with the tide of darkness. Knowing that there was no longer any resistence, the vile icy blackness swept over the last remnants of whatever was left of my bleak inner landscape and cut to my core.
It was in this moment that lasted a forever that I realised what my driving force in life was... Sadness, grief and despair.
With that stark realisation came the most visceral of perception jarring sensations as I vomitted all over myself.