Dear Rotten Bastards Bad Advice Blog

Originally posted by Tomby Stone:

My question ...

I have lost my ability to fantasise. I have always liked Einstein's suggestion that 'imagination is your preview of life's coming attractions.' and I used to lie around for hours previewing all the attractions coming my way.

Having lost faith that anything half decent will ever happen to me ever (which I understand is all my fault) I am unable to imagine a fun and exciting future. I feel silly and childish and even more of a loser than usual whenever I envision any kind of positive future.

Is this a good thing ?? Is there a point we should discard dreams and focus on reality or is this a very bad thing ??? Should I allow myself to dream stupid dreams again ??

Also ... Amy Winehouse, would you ??

If I may answer your last question first...Amy Winehouse? Fuck yeah! As long as there was absolutely no talking. Singing would be encouraged, but none of that drunken Southgate gibberish. She's like a long-stemmed rose on a gravestone. After a full round of immunizations as though I were preparing for safari in West Africa and after donning two condoms, I'd hit it. But then I'm a bit of a slut. I'd probably do her mum too.

As for your fantasy question, I say dream a little dream. But here is what I do. I no longer dream of a brighter tomorrow for myself. I'm too much of a realist. Instead I just dream of an alternate present. Each new day brings with it opportunities to imagine life not sucking quite as much as it actually does. When I read about crime happening in my neighborhood, I just imagine myself as the hero who delivers a sound thrashing to the ne'er-do-wells who threaten the tranquility of my community. When I hear that our economy is spinning faster around the bowl and may soon go straight down the pipe, I imagine a pastoral existence where my food grows from the earth with little effort and my cherubic offspring provide all the entertainment I will ever need. And when the constraints of marriage begin to wear on me, I can imagine that cute girl at the supermarket checkout is really into older men and will lavish me with affection the next time I stop in for eggs and bananas. By comparison, Walter Mitty is a complete amateur.

So it's really the expectation that is the problem. It's okay to fantasize about better things, just don't hold out any hope of actually having them and you're on your way to happily frittering your life away. Sure, it's silly and childish, but then so is real life.

And now, my question:

Having turned forty, I can feel an impending mid-life crisis bearing down on me like a rabid Rottweiler riding a runaway freight train. How best to deal with it? Buying a Corvette is so cliché and I can't afford one anyway. An extra-marital affair is right out since I don't have the energy and can no more afford a divorce than I can the Corvette. I need something original and unexpected.

So what can I do to sow the last of my wild oats and burn off my quickly vanishing youth?

- billy(no longer a)boy