The Book of Genesis (Let There Be Lighters)

And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.

And the LORD God planted a garden eastward in Eden; and there he put the man whom he had formed.

And the LORD God said unto the man whom he called Adam, "Hey man, how about giving names to all of these animals. I've got some other shit to do, but I'll be back later to see how you're doing."

"Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat. But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die."

And the LORD God returned after many days and found Adam making a burnt offering unto Him. And He said unto Adam, "Hey man. What's up?"

And Adam said unto the LORD God, "Oh hey, Dude. How's it going?  What’s that?  The animals?  Oh right, the naming thing.  Well I got some of them done but not all.  You made a hell of a lot of them, you know?  I kind of got a bit sidetracked.  What happened?  Yeah...you know that tree of knowledge you were talkin' about?  Yeah…no, I didn’t eat any…no, not that…you said not to so no way, right?   Heh heh…no Dude there’s this weed growin’ all around it and I picked some right and I dried it in the sun with some nuts and berries n’ shit.  Oh yeah…trail mix Dude…it’s really awesome.  Oh!  Hold on a sec…gotta turn my barbecue or it’s gonna burn.  Okay, so I dried this stuff to make incense, you know?  You like that stuff, right?  Anyway, it smelled…like sooo funky Dude.  And, okay, so I picked one of those apples from the tree of knowledge.  No, I did not eat any, I swear.  No, I just dug out the center to make a pipe and put some of that dried weed in and lit it and well…wow…just like wow Dude…that is some awesome shit you got growin’ here Dude.”

And the LORD God said unto Adam, “Yeah, that’s pretty good stuff, huh?  I made it special for my day off.   I call it Seventh Day Heaven.  But listen man, I see you’ve named the cattle and the fowl of the air and the beasts of the field, but you have no mate for companionship.  Aren’t you getting lonely out here all by yourself?”

And Adam said unto the LORD God, “Huh?  Lonely?  Nah…not me Dude.  I got my dog.  Here, boy!  That’s a good boy!  Want me to rub your belly?  Yeah...that feels good doesn't it?"  

"Oh, sorry Dude.  A woman?  Hmmm.  You know Dude that sounds like a great idea…but, I just know she’s gonna want to talk all the time and I’ll have to listen to all her shit.  And she’s gonna want me to do this and she’s gonna want me to do that.  And she’s gonna want to know where I’m going and what I’m doing all the time.   Nah, why ruin paradise?  How ‘bout I keep the rib and just fuck the goats instead?" 

"Hey c’mon have a seat Dude and let’s eat this pig.  They are delicious, by the way.  If you hadn’t intended for them to be eaten, you wouldn’t have made ‘em so tasty, right?  Maybe after supper we could spark up another bowl of Number Seven and go watch the monkeys.  Those little bastards are hilarious.”

And it was good.