Fish Are The New Muslims

The day was Tuesday. Not a particularly special day. It was grey. It was mild with a nippy breeze. It was exactly why I like living in England, absolutely fuck all happens and a child murderer playing Cluedo in his cell is still classed as newsworthy.

I spent the day how I spent everyday of my 12hrs of employment a week life by doing absolutely fuck all. Wake up, look at some strange pineapple fetish ass fucking porn whilst kidding myself that I'm watching it for a laugh not because I get a raging hard on for this kinda shit, have a wank, smoke a joint and settle down for some hardcore Dick action... the daily 2.10pm showing of Diagnosis Murder.

The credits of Neighbours are rolling and I'm waiting in eager anticipation for some OAP friendly medical sleuthing and then it happens.

"BREAKING NEWS - THE WORLD TRADE CENTER HAS BEEN ATTACKED BY FLYING FISH"

I was appalled. How could our stupid aquatic friends launch such an attack at this time? Do they not realise this a televisual holy time? Shouldn't they be busy luring dolphins into fishing nets?

Questions just kept going round my brain like sardines herded into a bait ball. I just couldn't make gills or fins of it. All I knew was I had to find out the truth so I marched onto down to my friendly Asian fishmonger because really who knows more about fish than the orientals?

He was quick to put my fears to rest, this wasn't the beginning of the feared Human-Fish wars, this was just an attack by fish extremists who have had enough of being used as food, sport and trapped in glass boxes for our own amusement.

They didn't understand how we could treat fish like this without a ounce of compassion when we had given black people all these civil liberties.

Even worse than this were the so called Vegetarians. They walk around talking about how heating animals is bad and throwing buckets of pigs blood on people but they'd go home and tuck into a love piece of cod. Are the fish not animals too?

We should've seen it coming, our fish policy smacked of hypocrisy and elitism.

They had named themselves "The Jews Of The Sea" and were lead by the menacing looking cleric Abu Herring who was instantly recognisable by the hook sticking out his jaw, a reminder of his foiled suicide bombing when he tried to take out a group of English anglers.

I thanked Mr Wong for his help but passed on his offer of Sushi, it just didn't seem right given the new climate.

I was unsure if this news made me feel safer or not. Sure, the thought of all out war with the fish was scary but knowing we're dealing with suicidal guerrilla fish was a different kind of fear. The rules of engagement had been thrown out the window. There was no battlefield and no soldiers, Just billions of potential victims.

The government needed a response because if they did nothing public outrage and vigilantism would be rife with thousands of innocent fish slaughtered for no reason. But if they did too much they could risk alienating the rest of the fish world and driving them into the hands of the evil clerics like Abu Herring.

Sadly, our leaders were not sympathetic to the plight of the fish and began to bomb them out of the water forcing them underground where the hatred spiralled out of control.

There have been attacks all around the world since this fateful day, it was only yesterday that a school of Salmon set themselves on fire and dive bombed a Glasgow airport reminding us that regardless of how much you batter the fish they will never go away.

Be brave my brothers and sisters. Just don't look up.