progress you can (quit) beat(ing) off to... (silver lining #129)

"The reabsorption of semen by the blood ... perhaps prompts the stimulus of power, the unrest of all forces towards the overcoming of resistances ... The feeling of power has so far mounted highest in abstinent priests and hermits" - Nietzsche

I quit masturbating, and finally got cracking on my internet novel. It's kind of a big project: 1/3 blogs from the characters, 1/3 videos uploaded by the characters and finally, 1/3 short film.

I'm probably going to need some help with it.

So, you know, get the dick out of your hand and contact me:

disconcertia@gmail.com (email/msn)

or

dozat@mac.com on aim.

Cool.

My Review of 'I Am Legend' (silver lining #128)

I wrote this back when it was in theaters, because it's not often that a movie comes out and I've already read the book. I submitted it to the local newspaper- no dice. Go figs.

"You should go see 'I Am Legend.'

Good shit.

I learned that Vampires (they get capitalized, because they're a race. A lot of people don't capitalize races, but I do, because I'm not a racist. Anyway,) burn like Jews.

Yours in Christ,
-Dozat"

I don't know. Maybe it was a racist paper.

you want happy? i'll give you happy... (silver lining # 12,224)

Taken without permission from VICE Magazine.

a moment of bliss

everyone remembers the one person in high school who you wanted to fuck but knew you had no chance with. this isn't the typical high school cunt who wouldn't even acknowledge knowing your name even if you were sodomizing her at gun point. this was the girl who was beautiful and painfully friendly but in the back of your mind you knew you had no chance with her. you may think you did when you were intoxicated and pounding one out thinking of her but the moment of clarity came to you quickly while you were cleaning DNA out of your belly button.

in a way this was more cruel than the previous situation because at times you were confused by this person's friendliness. as a teenager you were constantly thinking (and trying) to find ways to stick your dick into anything that shows slight kindness towards you. it took until you were grown up (or got laid for the first time) to realize that some people are just nice people and want nothing more. this lead to false hopes and wet dreams.

flash forward a few years later to see the same girl working at a grocery store. she's still friendly but has had a few kids. this has lead to a transformation in her appearance. she has gained some weight and looks haggard. smiling while talking to her, you know that for once you have a chance with her in her current situation. you think to yourself that maybe she is falling for the same thing you are doing to her that you did in high school.

you talk for a few minutes and have a genuinely nice conversation. leaving to the store you are smiling, not because of the payback you gave her from high school. you are smiling because you found out from her that her hot sister is single and maybe, just maybe, this is tearing her up inside.

For Fear of Falling Footwear

I really think there must be something wrong with me. My emotional retardation is such that I can never simply enjoy happiness when I find it. Just when things are going well, a smile on my face sets off an alarm. Suddenly aware of my contented state and knowing that it can never last, I begin to anticipate impending misery thus bringing about a self-fulfilling prophecy. And the happier I am the more profound the effect. As soon as I get caught up in the moment, a voice warns me that a fall from this emotional height would be devastating. I begin to imagine all the possible bad endings to my bliss and I am left waiting for the other shoe to drop and bring the whole house down. Such is the anxiety of my contentment.

My only recourse seems to be self-medication. A good and proper dose of the right substance keeps the higher functions occupied while letting the reptile brain bask in the buzz like a lizard on a warm rock in the sunshine. Sure it's only a temporary fix and the same problems will still be waiting, possibly worsening, during my mental vacation. But right now, who gives a shit? The appeal is obvious. Happiness is a warm crack pipe. It's no wonder that alcoholics and other addicts return again and again to that sweet release from the uncertainty, the randomness, and the sheer boredom of day-to-day living, replacing it with a pharmacological fixed grin. The psychological craving for the narcotic effect lingers even after the physical sickness of withdrawal has passed. Once you've smoothed out the bumps, taking away life's highs and lows, there is nothing left to do but kick back and enjoy the ride. From one of my favorite films, Drugstore Cowboy: "Most people don't know how they're gonna feel from one moment to the next. But a dope fiend has a pretty good idea. All you gotta do is look at the labels on the little bottles." What a comfort. Fortunately, I don't have an addictive personality else I would have been lost long ago.

At last...

It's nice
To be able
To tell someone
"I love you"

And mean it.

back-handed free associations (silver lining #11,004)

Tomorrow is my son, Jackson's first birthday, which makes me think of cake. Which makes me think of Hedberg. Which makes me think of Shawcroft.

Which makes me think of Panamint.

Which has made me smile almost as many times as the last 364 days with my new best friend on earth.

So, there's that.

The Jesus Bunny

I'm entertained by the idea that Easter's most prominent figure is the Easter Bunny.  Further, Christmas is better defined by Santa Claus than the birthday of the savior of mankind.  I find it charming that the birthday, death, and ressurection of God's son is not entertaining enough for us.  We have to add in novelty figures like giant bunnies that hide treasures in plastic eggs and fat, white men that sneak into our houses and leave us gifts, asking for only cookies and milk in return.  I never see kids lining up at the malls to sit on Jesus's lap (insert Catholic Priest zinger here).  I guess Jesus doesn't get us to buy candy and food coloring in April or shit-tons of needless gifts in December.    Whatever the explanation, I find the reality hilarious.

apartment living (silver lining #10,884)

Someone just drove into my nook of the apartment complex in a teal, ninety-something Toyota Tercel. He parked between two covered parking spots, half-blocking each of the cars in the stalls, and honked.

His horn played the theme from 'Gremlins.'

Thinking of how someone with balls that enormous could clown-car them into a Tercel makes me happy.

Very happy.

GEICO (silver lining # 10,768)

i lost my job almost 6 months ago,
but i'm saving a shitload of money on health insurance.

Come here Ren you big lug

• Steph sent me a text message saying she would like to drink red wine with me. I met her that
  same day with her big tits and a frown in 2006. I fucked her two days later and I fucked her
  about a week ago. She's never mentioned it but I'm sure she is covering for a girl I
  haven't met yet. Three years and I don't know her surname. It's got too long to bring it up
  again. She's about ten years younger than me and I do not joke to say her name may be
  moderate.
  
  Still, she is all I have right now, so to speak.
  Have you ever fucked a frozen cushion with glass stabbed in it?
  Have you ever kissed a lizard?
  Like a tongue is transporting some disease into your mouth in a hurry.
  
  We get on and I don't care when she goes in the morning.
  
  The girl I was fucking before Steph got pregnant and gave birth to a boy on June the 7th
  2005. I am a witness to it and it was grotesque, she did puke and shits whilst rolling and
  screaming on a big blue ball. I kept myself under control with the Frank Booth mask they
  provided for her.
  
  Momentarily Over the next year I have this baby in my home.
  I didn't enjoy that time.
  According to his Mother he did a shit in the bath and ate some of it. That was the only
  interesting thing he did that year.
  
  Some time in late 2006 he was born again.
  
  He became amazing and we began to hang out like brothers.
  
  He never speaks ill of his step dad, I get great comfort in that.
  
  He rarely speaks to steph for he knows some shit that I am vague about and I inherit his
  wisdom.
  
  I'll be collecting the kid tomorrow with a grin on my face like the end of a brisk park jog
  in summer.
  
  I never jogged. I have been brisk in a park when I tried to lose my virginity to a girl resembling Gail Tilsley in 1989.
  
  You get the point.