Fucking Gringos

(Another masterpiece from Mr Goosekirk. If you want to know more go here - http://www.myspace.com/goosekirk)

I'm not racist by skin color. That doesn't even make any sense. I'll use 'racist' here like we're talking about national culture, because sure enough, there's big differences. Aussies, Scandinavians, Brits, Americans, Irish, Germans, Japanese, we all got our thing. So I'm not racist, but goddamn, I wouldn't trust a Colombian to walk my dog. Even if he didn't try to steal it or fuck it, he wouldn't be competent enough to walk it anyway.

It's not even that they're such shitbag weasels. Sure, I'll give them a smoke or buy them a beer when they ask, even though they already have their own smokes and more money than me in their pocket. I understand it's just their nature to lie, cheat, and scam at every opportunity. Good for them.

What I can't abide is how they hate us with a smile.

This drunk douche in the bar the other day. He's trying to pick up any girl who gets within ass-grabbing range. My gringo buddy and I comment on it. He's already pissed off because the previous night, a guy who works with his girlfriend was touching her face, calling her "mi amor" and aggressively trying to pick her up. "I don't even mind that if it's on the job," my friend says, "I know how it is at work. He just shouldn't be doing it at the bar, right in front of me. And she shouldn't let him."

"Got a point," I say, "but look at 'em. They literally don't know any better. It's just how it is. Look at this guy," I say, nodding at the drunk douche. "Fucking pathetic by our standards, but whaddaya gonna do. Can't potty-train 'em all, and they're too lame to kill each other off in big numbers. And as far as I know, nobody at the Pentagon is working on a neutron bomb that only kills males, so they're going to be infesting what would otherwise be a paradise for the foreseeable future. But on the bright side - this is partially why their women prefer us."

Which is true. Get a Colombian woman who knows better to talk freely, get her to cut out all the pumped-up nationalistic underdog pride (you thought Americans were jingoistic, lemme tell ya, nothing gets old faster than the constant, ignorant, overcompensating, overbearing patriotism of Colombians - every day is September 12 for them), and chances are she'll say terrible things about her countrymen. And it's something sometimes discussed among the long-term foreigners here. Nobody has real Colombian male friends. Stay here for years, and you may make a few pals, but they're still not your boys. In four years, I know exactly one Colombian who I'd count as one of the boys, and that's because he's lived outside the country and he's not like the others. Many Colombian guys will be nice to our faces, mostly because their culture is to be courteous but also because they don't want any trouble, and then they'll talk smack about "fucking gringos" as soon as we leave. Xenophobia and racism are in no way regarded as negative traits here.

Later, the drunk douche leans over our table and yells at us, flecking spit - "WELCOME COLOMBIA! Eh? WELCOME COLOMBIA!"

Yeah, that's great, thanks. Maybe this reads like a friendly gesture, but what this guy really wants to say is: fuck you, foreigners. I'm hoping the douche gets distracted by some unattainable, for him, piece of tail and goes the hell away.

But douche won't stop. He's talking mostly at my buddy, until he realizes my friend doesn't understand much Spanish, especially when it's yelled in a drunken slur over too-loud Judas Priest. My friend asks me to translate.

"He's saying, '18 percent THC' and something about Colombia's the only place in the world to get it - y'know, the usual 'wooo Colombia number one wooo' bullshit. I dunno, I don't smoke, but if that's true it'd be a helluva thing - that would mean they're actually competent at producing something."

Douche realizes my friend doesn't speak Spanish. He switches gears. He tries to talk in English, and for fuck's sake, here it comes: "COME BACK," he says, "COME BACK TO YOUR COUNTRY."

"You mean, 'GO BACK,'" I tell him.

"COME BACK!"

"It's GO BACK, jackass. GO BACK. GO. GO. GO BACK. Christ, you stupid fucks can't even learn to insult us competently."

He thinks we're German, for some reason, I suppose because Colombians think Germans speak English. He leans into my friend and tells him he'll kill him. He doesn't care if we're German or whatever, he says we made a big mistake coming to his country and we should leave, because he'll kill us all. He's waggling his middle finger off to the side as he speaks, the passive-aggressive thing, and he makes a throat-slitting gesture. I've seen this plenty of times before - they must think their badass international reputation makes up for their inherent pussiness. I imagine it works, mostly, because gringos are nervous, but I know better. It's nothing but a sad little bullying maneuver. My friend doesn't understand what the guy is saying, but I can tell he's about to throw the douche off the balcony on principle.

But I'm laughing my ass off. I grab the douche by the shoulder and speak to him in Spanish. "You know what I love about your country? It's that the people are so friendly!"

This is what the newbie foreigners always go on about - oh, the locals are so gosh-darn friendly! I think it's hilarious. Douche doesn't get the joke.

Douche goes on about how Colombia is for Colombians. They don't need us here. The ground is stained with Colombian blood, it's their country, not ours, blah fucking blah blah. I jump in and agree with him. Goddamn, I've heard this shit too many times.

"Yeah, man, that's exactly right! All the wars, all the guerrillas and paramilitaries and narcos and constant killing, nothing but death death death, that's been working out great for you people so far, stick with it! The ground stained with Colombian blood, man, fuck yes, that's awesome! You guys don't need us, and no other country in the world wants you either, so you stay here alone and kill each other off. Excellent fucking plan! You should be proud to be Colombian, in your own little isolated pocket of killing! More death, man, more death! Go go go!"

My buddy gets up to leave. He's had enough. Douche doesn't know what to make of my rant - his attempt at being threatening has backfired badly, and he's left holding nothing. As I pass, I lean in close to him. "But you know what else? I'm not leaving your country, pal, until I'm done fucking all your women. ALL OF THEM." Smile. Wink. Slap on shoulder.

His head slumps to his chest and he gives me a desultory finger. I walk down the stairs and wave over a pretty girl I know to tell her I'm leaving. She comes over and kisses me. I tell her to walk outside with me for a moment and she puts her arm around me. I look back over my shoulder and the douche is watching us leave. I give him a little nod and a smirk - there he was, grab-assing any female he could and failing miserably, and there I am - snap my fingers and I walk out with one of the cutest girls in the bar. I've never felt like such an arrogant dick in my life, and it feels fantastic to do it to someone who deserves it.

I'm not racist, but fuck you all, you miserable, dumbass, useless, pathetic, stupid, lying, thieving, halfassed scheming scumbag pieces of shit.

- GooseKirk

enough with the political race card shit

I'm not a racist but enough with Barack Obama. It seems like everyone in the United States has hyped this man up to be the second coming of Jesus Christ. Remember, he's a politician. It's came to the point that people are voting for him JUST BECAUSE HE'S BLACK. Voting for someone just because they are black is as dumb as not voting for him because he is black. Some people are doing it just because they want the first black president of the United States. What's next? Voting for someone just because they are Spanish, Albino or a transvestite? Vote for someone because they have common values as you, not because you want to be around for the first of something. I might be construed as being racist or having a hidden agenda for saying this but I'll admit that I don't like John McCain. Want to know why? Because he's white.

I can't believe it's not racist!

Does it seem strange to anyone that some African-Americans feel that they have to behave better than everyone else?

How often do you see or hear a black actor or musician or comedian or writer lash out in disgust at their own 'community' of black people for behaving in a, shall we say, less than civilised manner.

They're up in arms over 'black on black crime'. They detest the fact that there are so many young black women willing to whore themselves to be in music videos or porno movies. The speak out against the drug addicts and the gangsters and the dealers 'infecting' their own communities.

There seems to be a steady stream of black people bitching about how other black people keep acting like 'niggers'. Almost as if they're saying that all black people should act like dignified white folks. Just because all those other black people died all those years ago so you could have your freedom and you owe it to 'your people' to make the most of your so called 'freedom'.

Black on black crime isn't the problem. Crime is the fucking problem.

White people kill other white people all the time. I'm sure that in China yellow people kill yellow people.

Yes, I understand that even to this day the situation for a black person in the US is still pretty fucked. But that is no reason for anyone to start saying that all black people should start behaving the way you want them to because you don't wanna be embarrassed by them.


People are fucked up regardless of the colour of their skin. As long as you all keep harping back to the bad old days and trying to repay your debt to all the slaves that suffered and all the protesters who were killed, you won't be able to move on. I'm not suggesting you forget about them. I'm not suggesting anyone forgets about them. What I'm saying is that in terms of what might be considered 'proper behaviour' you have no right to ask anyone to do anything contrary to their will.


You see, the beautiful thing about freedom is that it also includes the freedom to fuck up. It includes the freedom to become a big booty 'ho. It includes the freedom to become a criminal. It means that if you want the 'bling,' then you can do what you want to get it. And if that means sucking fourteen hundred dicks, well then so much the better.

The fact is, you are not special.

Being black does not put you in some class outside of the rest of the planet. Your ancestors were not the only ones who suffered great injustices. And you are not the only ones who continue to suffer great injustices.

As much as you'd hate to admit it, you are the same type of scum as everybody else on the planet.




p.s. this rant also applies to every race, every tribe, every nation and every other group of people that has ever existed.

If freedom means anything then it must include the freedom to err. Otherwise, we will never be truly free.

Thinking of you...

Question: When does a black man become a nigger?

Answer: As soon as he leaves the room.


And therein, my friends, is the issue.


Racism, you see, is an impersonal form of hatred.

No single human being can ever get to know an entire race of people. It's just not possible. However, there are some who would claim to "hate" certain races or have a lack of respect for them.

My question to that is, how does one hate such an intellectual abstraction?

The word "race" merely describes a concept that we have created within our own minds that describes what we perceive to be a group of people who have similar characteristics. Whether those characteristics are cultural or genetic or whatever.

In reality, any single individual can only interact with a certain number of other individuals. Normally this is done on a basis of mutual respect and with a recognition of each others humanity. Sometimes it isn't.

The problems of racism arise when we don't have the individual to focus on. That is when we create this concept of "race" or "nation" or "tribe". And this is where we fail.

Like most people, I've found myself guilty of this kind of sloppy, uncritical thought.

A black guy stole my car, therefore, all niggers are thieves.

A gang of muslims attacked me, therefore, all ragheads are violent, sadistic motherfuckers.

A jewish man won't loan me money, therefore, all kikes are tight-arse motherfuckers.

The trouble is that the behaviour described above is undertaken by people of all "races". Singling out a particular breed of people and claiming that, as a rule, they exhibit a certain characteristic more than any other breed is an extraordinary claim which is almost always made with no regard to evidence or proof.

Some may argue that a lot of the stereotypical behaviour may be culturally driven and that proportionally speaking the Jews are tighter with their money than other people (for example). However, one has to ask oneself how often one has been “jewed” by a non-Jewish person. Is it such an exclusive feature?

I doubt it.

Part of the problem is that our brains seem to be hard wired to make generalisations about most situations where we find the data before us to be incomplete. One can see how this can be an advantage in saving time during the decision making process and allow people not to procrastinate over making certain choices.

Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, humanity has come a long way in terms of how we think, what we think about and how we interact with each other. Our civilization (if you can call it that) is now global and the way we think about the world and our place in it needs to change.

The reality is that the differences between the races, at least on a genetic scale is minuscule. Even at a cultural level we are more alike than we are different. Every race, every tribe and every nation all contain the same emotions, the same thoughts about life and death and the same thoughts about how their tribe is better than everyone else’s.

I don’t doubt that as the world’s economy and culture becomes more and more global, issues of race will cease to be of any real importance. However, that day is still some time away.

In the meantime all I can add is that I’m not a racist but I do on occasion have my racist thoughts and sometimes I give them voice.

Nigger, coon, spook, gook, chink, slant, kike, wog, dago, spic, sand nigger, rag head, honkey, red neck.

What is in a name? After all, it’s the thought that counts.